Editor’s Note: So Valentine’s Day 2019 has come and gone. And as the roses begin to wilt, the chocolate starts its trek to your hips and the card begins its long journey as a professional dust collector you may be feeling some post VD blues. Fear not dear reader because our favourite (and currently only) guest blogger MovieJunkies has a Valentine’s horror movie list to brighten your bloody heart. And, full disclosure, this was supposed to be uploaded yesterday, you know, ON Valentine’s Day, but I am sure it’s Valentine’s Day somewhere.
I haven’t done one of these in ages, but (yesterday’s) “holiday” brought me some inspiration (even though I specifically asked for chocolates Steven!)
If you’re a horror movie addict like moi, you know the best way to celebrate this day, is to put on something comfy, pop some corn, and cuddle in front of your Black Mirror (get it?) and watch some of your favorite love stories gone horribly, horribly wrong. So here are my Top 5 Horror Movies for (the post-) Valentine’s Day (blues):
#5 Valentine (2001)
PLOT: Five women are stalked by an unknown assailant while preparing for Valentine’s Day.
REVIEW: I’ll be the first to admit, this one isn’t more than a bare bones PG-13 (yuck) horror/thriller, but there’s still some fun bits to be appreciated here. For one, the kills each feel unique as Cupid doesn’t just take his victims out with the old stabby stabby routine.
I also found most of the characters annoying, so watching them get their just desserts put a smile on my face. It also has the advantage of being so mediocre, you’re not really paying close attention, so when the killer is revealed, it’s a bit of a surprise to most viewers.
Hey, it’s still better than some lovey-dovey Hallmark movie am I right?
#4 Warm Bodies (2013)
PLOT: After a highly unusual zombie saves a still-living girl from an attack the two form a relationship that sets in motion events that might transform the entire lifeless world.
REVIEW: So this one definitely falls more into the thriller/fantasy genre than horror, but it has zombies in it so shut up!
All kidding aside, Warm Bodies is a genre-bending take on Romeo and Juliet, with something you don’t normally get to see — ‘life’ from the zombie’s perspective. He’s just going about, doing his zombie thing, lowly shuffling around, looking for brains to eat, until he comes across a girl who might actually makes his undead life worth living again.
This movie gives a whole new meaning to “be still my beating heart.”
#3 Misery (1990)
PLOT: After a famous author is rescued from a car crash by a fan of his novels he comes to realise that the care he is receiving is only the beginning of a nightmare of captivity and abuse.
REVIEW: Wait! Wait! Wait! Before you click on something else, thinking to yourself “pssht! Misery isn’t a Valentine’s-themed movie you numbnut” (hurtful BTW), I would argue Misery fits perfectly into my Day of Love-viewing, because it’s the ultimate story of fan-girl love gone really, REALLY wrong.
Kathy Bates’ Annie Wilkes is all smiles and loving care for her favorite author Paul Sheldon (James Caan’s best performance to date) until she realises he’s killed off her favorite character Misery.
We all know how angry we get when a movie messes up our favorite characters in possibly irreparable ways, Annie Wilkes just has the psychosis and sledgehammer to back that fury up! What was it she said to Paul, right after she hobbled him and traumatised movie goers for life? Oh yeah, “God, I love you.”
Thank goodness Twitter doesn’t come with weaponry!
#2 My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
PLOT: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one that believes he’s innocent.
REVIEW: Now I have a lot of love for the original 1981 version this is a remake of but the 2009 movie pumped some much needed blood into this story. Jensen Ackles was already well established in Supernatural yet manages to do a great job of making you push Dean out of your head and focus on his turn as Tom, the guy who returns home at the worst possible time.
With some fun gory kills, surprisingly good use of 3D (especially for 2009) and a brisk pace, My Bloody Valentine 3D is sure to satisfy any horror fans who give it a go.
#1 Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
PLOT: The centuries-old vampire Count Dracula comes to England to seduce his barrister Jonathan Harker’s fiancé Mina Murray and inflict havoc in the foreign land.
REVIEW: C’mon, you didn’t think I would make a Valentine’s-themed list and not include the ultimate love story of all time, did you?
Francis Ford Coppola’s version of Dracula is still one of, if not my favorite, iteration of The Count. While there are plenty of visually horrific and spectacular moments in this movie, you ask any horror fan girl what her favorite scene is and 9 times out of 10 they’ll tell you it’s the one where Mina finds out who her mystery Prince really is, and still loves him anyway. It’s romantic, it’s heartbreaking and it’s horrific when you think about what he truly is under that handsome visage (giant man bat that can turn into rats? Swipe Left Tinder. Swipe Left!).
Then again, a man that would wait/search for you until the ends of time? It doesn’t’ get more romantic than that.
There you have it folks! If anyone ever tells you a night of horror movies isn’t romantic, show them any of these movies and prove them wrong! And who knows? If they’re the type that scare easily, you’ll have all the more reason to cuddle close together.
Happy (post) Valentine’s Day Movie Lovers!
For Moviejunkies’ ranking of the Top 5 Iconic Weapons in Horror Movies you can click here. And to follow the Moviejunkies Facebook page, which features movies, comics, video games, art and a whole lot of cool stuff, you can click here.